


When you're close I feel like coming undone

by thespiritofcuriosity



Series: I'm caught up in you [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Cheating, F/M, i am uncomfortable just writing those tags, mentions of cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 19:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15056366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiritofcuriosity/pseuds/thespiritofcuriosity
Summary: They aren’t together when they retreat to the couch again after their meal, or when she tucks herself up under his arm and lets out a sigh as she settles against him. They aren’t together when her eyes close and her words turn to even breaths, or when he eases her legs up onto the couch so they can lay there in each other’s arms. They aren’t together when he falls asleep too, breathing her in and already unable to think of her as anything other thanhome.





	When you're close I feel like coming undone

They aren’t together during Gold Medal Plates in Scotland. They aren’t together when she’s hanging out with his girlfriend and jumping into the freezing water of the North Sea, or when he’s off by himself because he can’t handle the two of them in such close proximity. They aren’t together when they disappear from their rooms in the middle of the night and he holds her on the beach and promises that things will change soon, or when they lock eyes across the room one night when they hear a song that speaks to both of them immediately.

They aren’t together when she comes home from her vacation in England to find him in her kitchen with dinner already cooking on the stove and a vase of fresh flowers sitting on the island. They aren’t together when his eyes light up at the sight of her and his embrace seems like the only home she’s ever known.

They aren’t together when they eat dinner sitting side-by-side at her dining room table, or when he’s eating with his left hand because he refuses to let go of her. They aren’t together when she looks at him with his rolled-up sleeves and messy hair, or when he meets her gaze and raises his eyebrows.

“What?”

She shrugs. “I like you like this.”

He laughs. “If you want me to make you dinner all you have to do is ask.”

She shakes her head. “I meant I like you here.”

His smile fades and he squeezes her hand. “Just a couple more months and I’ll be here as much as you want.”

“I know,” she says.

There isn’t any animosity in her tone, just simple acquiescence. This is the way things are—the way things have to be—and they aren’t together but he’s still here with her when there are any number of other places that he could be tonight. This is now with the promise of later and he’s done pretending that he won’t come running any time she calls, because he will. He always will.

She’s pure softness when she curls into him on her couch after their meal, all sleepy expression and delicate sighs as her head settles on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around her, turning his head to kiss her temple and breathe her in, and doesn’t force himself to push away the thought of how comfortably she fits against his body.

They aren’t together when his hand slips under the edge of her shirt and traces across her waist in a way that makes her jump, or when her laughter is the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. She writhes beside him—beneath him—when he tickles her and they’re closer to thirty than they are to being teenagers, but her giggles make him feel like a kid again.

She stares up at him with wide eyes and they aren’t together when their faces are so close that he can feel her breath across his lips when she speaks. “What about—”

“We’re taking a break,” he says. “I have some things to think about.”

“Oh,” she says. It’s not a statement of caution, not a no, and there’s longing in her gaze that he can’t deny anymore.

He closes the distance and kisses her, and they aren’t together when she sighs into it or when her fingers tangle in his hair. They aren’t together when she opens up to him and lets him deepen the kiss, or when his hands are tracing the waistband of her leggings as he pulls her up and into his lap. They aren’t together when they break apart and stare at each other with dark eyes, or when it’s a long moment before either of them can catch their breath.

“We need rules,” she says.

He almost laughs at how ridiculous the whole situation is, because she’s straddling him and looking beautifully undone. She’s right, though, and he knows that, so he nods and fixes his hands firmly on her waist (on top of her shirt rather than beneath it, thank you very much).

“We do need rules,” he says. “Not touching is clearly out the window.”

She smiles down at him. “You could say that.”

“Do you have any suggestions?” he asks before he leans in and presses an open-mouthed kiss to her neck as she speaks.

“I was thinking we should,” she shivers and he can’t help the self-satisfied smile that spreads across his face at the feeling, “um, we should keep it to things we’ve done on the ice.”

He presses another kiss to her neck before he looks up at her. “So this is okay, then?”

“Mm.” She bites her lip and nods. “That is,” his mouth finds her skin again, “very much okay.”

“And kissing?” he asks, his voice low.

She tilts her head. “Carmen?”

They weren’t together then either, when he was pushing her up against the boards during a practice in the otherwise empty rink sometime in between one girlfriend and the next, or when they were kissing like their lives depended on it. They also weren’t together when it went further than that, but that wasn’t on the ice so it doesn’t really matter, does it?

“Practices count?” he asks.

She nods. “I think so. It’s on the ice, isn’t it?”

His hands move from her waist to her thighs, pulling her closer to him. “Good.”

They aren’t together when he kisses her goodbye in her front hallway several hours later, or when he savors the moment with the full knowledge that it will be the first of many. They aren’t together when she leans up against her doorframe and watches him drive away, or when he texts her _goodnight_ forty-five minutes later just as she’s climbing into bed.

They aren’t together when they coach master classes, or when they go out to dinner after each one and laugh in half-dark restaurants. They aren’t together when he goes to a golf tournament that he and his girlfriend had agreed to appear at months ago, or when they barely speak to each other and he goes back to Tessa’s house after it’s over.

They aren’t together when she grabs him by the front of his shirt and hauls him into her, her mouth finding purchase on his as soon as he walks through her front door. He laughs into it and pulls her closer, and he’s pretty sure they weren’t taught all those lifts just so he could hook his hands around her thighs and pick her up so she can wrap her legs around his waist, but at this point he doesn’t particularly care.

“What was that about?” he asks when he finally lowers her to her feet.

She’s still holding on to his shirt when she smiles up at him, her hair a mess and eyes sparkling. “I missed you.”

“I wasn’t gone that long,” he says, but he can’t help the satisfaction that rises up in him at her words.

She sobers. “I know, but… we’ve already wasted so much time.”

“I don’t think so,” he says. She tilts her head and his mouth curves into a half-smile. “We weren’t ready for this before.”

“But we are now?” she asks.

It’s a full smile then. “I am if you are.”

She lifts her hand to the back of his neck, her fingers slipping through the short strands of hair there. “Well, if that’s the case…” He welcomes her fully when she kisses him, and it’s all too soon that she pulls away. “We’re more than ready.”

It’s the easiest thing in the world to hold her to him and ease his mouth over hers. He’s known her body almost better than he knows his own for close to two decades now, and they may not be able to go any farther than this but he relishes the sounds he can coax out of her as it is. She’s as reactive in his arms as she is on skates, matching his every move with one of her own, and it’s really no wonder that none of this has ever been as good with anyone else.

She pouts when he finally breaks their kiss and he has to laugh at the disappointment in her expression. He almost kisses her again in the hope of chasing her dissatisfaction away, but when he leans in, it’s not for that.

“Baby,” he murmurs, and _fuck_ , she practically _whimpers_ at the pet name. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t know, you pick,” she says, breathless. “I’m not particularly hungry.”

He laughs, and just before his mouth finds hers again, says, “Okay.”

They aren’t together when they retreat to the couch again after their meal, or when she tucks herself up under his arm and lets out a sigh as she settles against him. They aren’t together when her eyes close and her words turn to even breaths, or when he eases her legs up onto the couch so they can lay there in each other’s arms. They aren’t together when he falls asleep too, breathing her in and already unable to think of her as anything other than _home_.

They aren’t together when he wakes up in the morning with a crick in his neck and her head on his chest, or when he stays there and holds her. They aren’t together when he tenses upon realizing where he is and who he’s with, or when his attempts to extract himself from the situation wake her.

“Mm.” She reaches up to rub at her eyes as he freezes beneath her. “Scott?”

All but the slightest trace of guilt fades at the contentment in her voice. “Hey.”

“We shouldn’t have done this, should we?” Her question is undercut by the way she nuzzles into him, her nose grazing the skin of his collarbone where it juts out from under the collar of his shirt.

“Probably not, but it was an accident.” His hands trace down her spine and across her waist. “We didn’t do it on purpose.”

She hums against his throat. “We didn’t get in bed so it doesn’t count.”

“Yeah,” he says. “I should go.”

He makes no attempt to move, and she smiles before she brushes her lips along his jaw. “Or you could stay for breakfast and then we can go skating.”

“Good point,” he says, and then she’s kissing him and nothing else matters.

They aren’t together when they teach a couple more master classes, or go to a volleyball game at the PanAms. They aren’t together when they go to Babsy’s fundraiser and he has to keep his hands in his pockets for most of the night to stop himself from putting his arm around her. They aren’t together when she intertwines their fingers where no one can see, or when he sneaks over to her hotel room to kiss her goodnight.

They aren’t together when they fly to China for a show and she sleeps on his shoulder the entire way there, or when they get into the backseat of a hired car to make the long drive to the Great Wall. They aren’t together when they’ve hiked an hour along the twisting stonework, or when she turns to him and says, “I want another Olympics.”

“You want to come back?” he asks.

She nods. “I want to come back.”

He pulls her into his arms and she laughs as her face comes to rest in the crook of his neck. “God, Tess, I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.”

“You want it too?” she asks, her voice muffled.

“I want everything with you,” he says as he releases her. “The Olympics, life... Everything.”

She takes a deep breath. “You mean you’ll still want…”

She trails off and looks out over the landscape and he has to swallow his laughter. “Of course I’m still going to want you, kiddo.” He wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her back to lean against his body, kissing the side of her head before he continues. “I’m always going to want you.”

“I, um…” She pauses for a moment and he lowers his head to rest his chin on her shoulder as he waits for her to continue. “I’m not sure we should…”

“Should what?” he asks.

She slips out of his arms and he lets her go. Her expression is serious when she turns and looks at him, her eyes sad, and she draws her lower lip between her teeth for an instant before she speaks. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do all of it, aren’t we? Skating and—and you and me.”

“Of course,” he says. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Because you’ve still got Kaitlyn,” she says. “And you know I love you, but we really shouldn’t have let it get this far.”

It’s like a punch to the gut, because she’s right. He’d called a break with Kaitlyn and immediately checked out mentally with her and checked in with Tessa, and it wasn’t fair to either of them. Kaitlyn was waiting for a reconciliation that was never going to come, and Tessa couldn’t have all of him until Kaitlyn had none of him.

It isn’t a choice now and it wasn’t a choice then, when he’d told Kaitlyn he needed space after Scotland. It’s just Tessa and a question of _when_ , because she’s meant _I love you_ in every possible way since she first confessed her ever-present feelings to him back in April and he feels the same way about her.

“Scott?” He looks up to see Tessa looking at him with tears gleaming at the corners of her eyes. “Say something?”

He reaches out to hold her face in his hands and leans in to kiss her cheek before he pulls her into his embrace again. “You’re right.” She lets out a shuddering breath, and they’re both sweaty and disgusting but he still pulls her closer until she’s fitted perfectly against him. “There’s a couple of things that she’s supposed to be attending with me at the beginning of CNE, but I’ll end it after that.”

“You’re sure?” she asks, pulling back to look at him. “I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

He shakes his head. “It’s what I was planning already. You aren’t making me do anything.” She’s quiet and he trails his hand from her ribs to her hip. “I’ve wanted you since before I realized what that meant, and if we can have this now, _really_ have it…” He laughs softly. “I’ll do what I have to.”

They aren’t together when he slips his fingers under her chin and tilts her head up to kiss her one last time, or when they hike back to where they started their trek along the Wall. They aren’t together when they discuss calling up Marie-France and Patrice on the car ride back to their hotel, or when he says goodnight to her before they return to their separate rooms.

They aren’t together when they get home and he goes back to his apartment while she returns to her house. They aren’t together when his mother invites both of them over to his childhood home for a family barbeque because Danny’s in town with his wife and kids, or when they show up in separate cars from separate places and immediately find their way to each other.

They aren’t together when everyone is sitting around the fire in the backyard after the sky has gone dark. She’s leaning back against his chest, his arms around her body and his chin resting on top of her head except for when he moves to kiss her hair. It’s still probably more than it should be after their conversation on the Great Wall, but they’ve had a questionable definition of personal space since they were kids and it’s not like this is the first time this has happened.

His mother doesn’t seem to suspect anything as she watches them with a smile on her face, and he can’t find it in him to regret it when Tessa tilts her head up to murmur something to him. It’s impossible to regret it when what she says makes him laugh and her face splits into that brilliant smile that he wants to see every day for the rest of his life.

“I love you,” he says quietly, when his family is occupied by Charlie and Danny’s kids. “Just so you know.”

Her hand finds his where it’s resting on her stomach and she laces their fingers together. “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry this isn’t easier,” he says.

She shrugs. “When is anything with us ever easy?”

He smiles. “Good point.”

They aren’t together when she says goodbye to everyone in his family with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, or when his mother makes her promise to come by for dinner again soon. They aren’t together when Danny’s kids pout about Aunt Tessa’s departure, or when she tells them she’ll come skate with them tomorrow and he watches the entire exchange and feels his heart grow three sizes. They aren’t together when he promises his nieces and nephews that he’ll stay the night, or when she locks eyes with him and winks before she makes her way to her car.

They aren’t together when Danny catches him after the kids have gone to sleep, when he’s getting the pullout sofa in the basement ready so that he can go to bed because they’ve coopted his childhood room and he isn’t going to complain about it.

“What are you doing?” Danny asks.

He looks up from where he’s pulling a fitted sheet over the pullout mattress. “What?”

“You and Tess,” Danny says. “What are you doing?”

“We aren’t doing anything,” he says. He turns his attention back to the bedding. “And if you’re going to interrogate me, you can at least make yourself useful.”

“Seriously,” Danny says as he moves to the other side of the bed and catches one end of the flat sheet. “Things are different with you two.”

“And so what if they are?” he asks, tucking the end of the sheet under the mattress.

Danny fixes him with an even stare. “What about Kaitlyn?”

He grimaces. “Tess and I aren’t…” He shakes his head. “We’re waiting until I can end things with her.”

“But not completely,” Danny says. His eyes widen and Danny smiles wryly. “I’m your brother, not blind.”

“Okay, so we did some things that we probably shouldn’t have,” he says, and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach when disappointment fills Danny’s expression. “It wasn’t on purpose, it’s just… It’s _Tess_.”

“The fact that it’s Tess is the only thing keeping me from kicking your ass on Kaitlyn’s behalf,” Danny says, his expression serious. “Cheating on Kaitlyn with Tess? Really? I expected more from you. From _both_ of you.”

He rubs at his eyes and sinks down onto the edge of the mattress. “I know.” His voice is muffled by his hands. “I’m not proud of it, it’s just… I wasn’t expecting Tessa to ever want me again, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been waiting for her.”

“The two of you have been waiting for each other your entire lives,” Danny says. “You couldn’t have held on a little longer?”

“She told me she loves me,” he says, “back in April. She said she always has, and you know how I...” He rakes his hand through his hair. “We tried, Danny, honestly. We tried, and I would’ve ended things, but then Kaitlyn told me that she was going to come with me for Stars On Ice and she was already signed up for Scotland and I couldn’t exactly tell her _‘sorry, you can’t come anymore because I’m in love with my skating partner_.’”

Danny shakes his head. “That doesn’t make it any better.”

“I know,” he says. “God, I know. I didn’t start this wanting to hurt Kaitlyn, but there’s no good way out of this. Not when she was talking about moving out here and buying a house and actually building a life together.” He takes a deep breath. “We’ve been on a break since we got back from Scotland.”

“Why didn’t you just end it?” Danny asks. “A break? Really?”

“We had that golf tournament booked and there’s a couple of things at CNE,” he says. “I didn’t want to leave her to deal with them alone and have to answer questions about why I’m not there.”

“So cheating on her is a better idea?” Danny asks. “Scotty, I just… I don’t get it. This isn’t you.”

“It wasn’t smart, okay? I know that,” he says. “It’s just that being with Tess…” He laughs softly. “I forget about everything when I’m with Tess. We already talked about it anyway.”

Danny raises his eyebrows. “About what?”

“This,” he says, waving his hand. “About the fact that what we were doing was wrong. We haven’t… We stopped. It’s possibly the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, but we stopped. Now we’re just waiting.”

“You’re waiting, and Kaitlyn doesn’t know that there’s an expiration date on her relationship,” Danny says. “If it weren’t for the fact that I think Tessa would murder me for taking you away from her when you two have finally started getting your shit together, I’d beat your ass. Kaitlyn doesn’t deserve this.”

“No, she doesn’t,” he says. “She’s amazing, honestly, it’s just… Tess.” He smiles slightly. “This is it, I think. Me and her.”

Danny groans. “You two couldn’t have picked a less complicated way to go about this? No, don’t answer that. You know we’ve all been rooting for you to figure this out, but not like this. Do me a favor and don’t tell Mom about it because I’m not sure she’d ever forgive you. She raised us better than that.”

“I know she did,” he says. “It’s just—”

Danny shakes his head. “It’s Tessa, and you’ve never been entirely reasonable when it comes to her.”

Danny’s staring at him then and he tilts his head. “What?”

“I want to be so mad at you for this,” Danny says, “but you’re _you_ with her.” He shakes his head again. “You fucked up here, so you’d better hold on to her if you want it to be worth anything.”

“Oh, I plan to hold on to her,” he says, “for the rest of my life.”

“Is that a promise?” Danny asks before laughing softly. “You two… Just end things with Kaitlyn soon, for the sake of all of you, and maybe don’t tell her that you’re leaving her for Tessa. Just a thought.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” he says. “I’ll blame it on the comeback. I’ve been toying with the idea for months anyway, so it won’t be news, really.”

Danny’s brow furrows. “What?”

He grins sheepishly. “Oh, did I not mention that Tess and I decided we want to try for another Olympics?”

The headlock that Danny puts him in is worth it for the look on his brother’s face at his announcement. More than, actually, especially for the way Tessa laughs when he tells her about it the next day.

They aren’t together when they arrive in Toronto for CNE, or when they go to a concert with Miku and Kaitlyn. They aren’t together when they go out to dinner with Babsy the next evening, or when Kaitlyn goes with him to Chris’s birthday party and he only makes eye contact with Tessa once the entire night.

They aren’t together when he ends things with Kaitlyn the next day, her quiet acceptance even as he can see the tears in her eyes telling him that she’s seen this coming for months and the only thing that would be a surprise to her is the actual reason why (and maybe even that wouldn’t be a surprise in the end). They aren’t together when he knocks on Tessa’s door a few hours later, or when he steps past her into the room and she shuts the door behind him.

They are together the next morning, when he wakes up and pulls her into his arms and welcomes the day with soft, languid kisses and the feeling of her skin on his. They are together when he makes her dinner the night before their golf classic a couple of weeks later, and when he follows her upstairs to her bedroom after they’re done eating.

They are together every day after that, and it’s quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to him, Olympic golds be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> Tessa, if you ever read this, I am so sorry.
> 
> I once again kind of regret writing this, as I'm morally opposed to cheating on basically every level imaginable and feel it's one of the absolute worst things you can possibly do to a person, but it was calling to me and a couple of lovely people messaged me on Tumblr after the last fic and gave me ideas for this, so this is for them. The events of this story are obviously not factual, but it's always interesting to explore messiness in writing and was a curious exercise in understanding character motivations.
> 
> Twitter: @lucymariesoc  
> Tumblr: thespiritofcuriosity


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